Tired of waiting it out

Cliches are not working

(I started this post over a day ago.)

Liv as the storm rolled in.

It's darkest before the dawn.

This too shall pass.

What doesn't kill you...

I'm tired of hunkering down and getting through storms. Because what if it is storm season? We are still alive. So how do we handle a storm. I guess I need to remember this may not be the biggest storm to come.

Maybe there is no sense to be made of things. Is that where God comes in?

I don’t feel well and sometimes I really want to just hide and not communicate about this or see anyone. Just until the storm passes. I guess. So it is hard to post even though I know writing may help me, even if it is just something that I want to do. I can do things!

I am grateful for the team of people and mountains moved that happened for me to get the neurologist appointment. I am tired of dealing with it, much less talking about it. I saw a neurologist for a consult and exam 5/15. We left without any paper work or diagnosis or clear answers. He did answer some questions.

The Dr. agreed with Penn Emergency that it was not a hemorrhage in my brain or pituitary and not likely to be an adenoma. I think. He thinks it is a cyst. And does not know if it is causing symptoms. Seemed unclear why I was asking if I could do things even with pain or if I should rest. At that point I told him I am done. Asked for paper work or if we should stop and he said that we could have a telemedicine appointment after I get the neck mri.

Before I was done, what I retained from his self described rambling about what may be happening is that I have migraines. I had a concussion. And now I have some kind of sensitivity causing pains. He did ask if anyone had checked my neck and ordered an MRI. I mentioned a chiropractor had examined me and he kind of shook his head like I was speaking a foreign language.

He also couldn't view most of the images very well. So I am not sure how I am supposed to feel. Better? It was reassuring that my neurologic exam was okay. Though now that I think of it, he didn’t even check my peripheral vision, I don’t think.

He did suggest monitoring every six months for now to see if it is indeed stable. That made more sense than 1 to 5 year monitoring by the endocrinologist and no neurological consult.

I am having a physical therapy consult Monday to rule out any injury. I feel injured. Maybe I am. So if these sharp pains are the result of chronic pain, that is better than a lot of alternatives. The PCP suggested it was because I was old possibly…or repercussions from stopping drinking.

I dont have a problem with pain, but unfamiliar pains of unknown origin that is debilitating at times…when I am not a weenie…deserves some attention I guess.

Two neurologists have recommended an anti depressant even though I am not diagnosed as depressed. This particular one is not approved for pain, though it is used off label. I have done things like this before. Off label drugs.

But I am not sure I want to go that direction until I have finished checking for an injury and gotten one more opinion on the MRI, plus some help for the ear thing. Maybe I am not desperate enough. There are a few more boxes for me to check like the ACTH level, possibly other hormones, neurologist that doesn’t look like they are actively struggling to function to review the images and check me, and physical therapy, plus a couple of others.

If I am lucky I can manage a task a day, but it is risky if I have a medical appointment. Sometimes I can do more.

I confess I have people who I admire for facing great difficulty in their life. I connect with them to help me. I also care about them. But I know that if I check in with these souls, and you may know who you are, that I realize that I am okay and nothing is too wrong.

This is because there is a spiritual realm where all is well. Things are not so straightforward. Or do we just complicate them needlessly? Is it just me? I am not that special.

What if today is our last? Or one of our last days? What if our functioning gets worse instead of better? Who will we be if this happens?

I have had ongoing migraines, and now I am wondering if that is part of what is going on even more than I realized.

If this pain is not indicative of a life threatening illness or an acute health situation, then I can carry on. Of course would I not have already done so if I could? I dont know.

Yesterday I missed the proof that came in which I had been checking email for. Thank goodness my colleague reached out. Of course I had a mini spiral, but was also not surprised since I miss obvious things now.

Pain and time make things weird. In a way it is a focusing presence, to have intense pain.

Even with a rain storm supposedly brewing, Liv an dI headed out for a walk, finally, hours later than I would have liked.

We walked and even ran some, and I had worn the correct shoes for running and not water. I am used to it. I wonder if I will hurt more later. I have been more careful with activities since my body started screaming.

We heard some thunder, and Liv reacted but then did her normal hunting and lolly gagging routine.

We got back to Sammy, and waited out the storm together. He is nervous during storms. And lawn mowing. And when people walk by across the street. Or when the dog across town barks.

Just because there is a storm in the forecast does not mean that we stay home.

I did the review of the proof even though I worried about my accuracy. And that is the point of reviewing the proof. With extra help other people found some typos I made.

Do we really control our thoughts? Do we control our breathing? What if thoughts are happenings like waves in water? Or like night and day? What if our feelings are the wind?

Allan Watts paraphrased: It may not be a right guide to what you should do…but the feeling is there and must not be fought.

“The acceptance of what is honestly felt is the moral equivalent of the vision that whatever exists is a manifestation of the divine.” Listen to Alan Watts on feelings

Sammy after the storm.